There are moments in life where things don’t play out exactly as we had in mind. From small things, like missing the train to work, to big things, such as a personal injury. When these events happen, they stay with us and may ultimately impact our mental health.
When Bad Things Happen
When we’re caught in an unfavourable situation or circumstance, often one of the first things we can hear is that we need to “get over it”. We are told that “the past is the past, so don’t be negative about it”. Often we can find ourselves being told “I had struggles in the past, and if I can get over it you can too”.
But such simple clichés often lead to destructive behavior patterns, as we feel obliged to repress our feelings on past events and pretend that they have no effect on us at all. People being made to feel guilty, or that they need to repress their feelings, can often lead to feelings of isolation, depression and even substance abuse.
Simply put, being told to “get over it” does not work. Such simple and generic advice often fails to grasp at the complexities that exist within the human experience.
We Can’t Erase the Past
Now that being said, to dwell on the past is often equally destructive. We can get caught in a trap of emotional turmoil, as we strive in vain to ‘whitewash’ past events, or even think we can alter the past. It can lead to destructive behaviours, such as aggression in striving to put on a brave face and pretend that we are totally unaffected by bad things. So if we cannot “get over it”, and we cannot live in the past, what on earth is a person to do?
Fortunately, there is a simple solution. Radical Acceptance.
What Is Radical Acceptance?
The term ‘Radical Acceptance’ is used as a part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), which is in itself an offshoot of the more well-known Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). DBT focuses on allowing individuals to continue to live positive lives by helping them to move on from traumatic past experiences, rather than get stuck and consumed by them.
Radical Acceptance focuses on teaching us that in order to be happy and to learn and grow, we need to be able to completely accept the reality of what has happened to us – both good and bad. It teaches us to subdue our ego (that part of us that thinks it can change the world), and to stop fighting reality.
Completely accepting what has happened to us can be a humbling experience. It forces us to admit our past mistakes, and accept that we are vulnerable. In doing so, we rid ourselves of the need to try and change the unchangeable. It liberates us and allows us to instead focus our energies on the here and now; the things we can change.
So the next time you think you need to “get over it” when something bad happens, focus instead on accepting it. Kill your ego and focus on what is in front of you.
